


That name

by holisticriv (rivscreamsnk)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Psychological Trauma, deadname
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26897455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivscreamsnk/pseuds/holisticriv
Summary: Dirk stumbles upon some thoughts and words that he then can't let go of
Relationships: Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently
Kudos: 9





	That name

That name. That’s not me. And yet they keep insisting on it. I wish they’d never heard it. I wish I could erase that name from their memories, from their files. It was-

It was _wrong_.

But that word now carried its own meaning. _Wrong, wrong, wrong._ It echoed. Every time I stumbled upon it, that word wouldn’t leave my head.

“Leave me alone!” I cried, but no one had said anything. I was alone here. Which was another thing they’d kept reminding me.

And now, both the name and the word were hammering away in my brain, and I couldn’t escape them. I wanted it to stop. But how do you shut up something that is only there in your mind?

They didn’t leave much room for other thoughts. Other than _shut up shut up shut up._ But they didn’t seem to care much for that demand.

It was so dehumanising. That name made me a stranger to myself. It had been so clear they wanted me to be someone I’m not, and never will be. That name proved it, because they kept trying to put it on me, claiming it was supposed to be me. But it never fit.

It made me not only be wrong, but feel wrong too. To the core of my existence. That wasn’t me, but if the world decided it should be, maybe _I_ am the wrong one and not them. _Wrong, wrong, wrong._

I turned my body, and now I was looking up at the ceiling. It wasn’t very comforting. It was just plain white, ready for the red letters to appear on it and stain it like they had stained me.

Would I ever be able to shake this feeling? This being? This not being?

And suddenly there was a knocking on the door. “Dirk!”

Oh, it must be Todd. It sounded like him. Right. I wasn’t in Blackwing. Not anymore. I was not alone. Unless I was dreaming again.

“Are you okay?” the voice continued.

I didn’t respond. I couldn’t, not as long as I was unsure whether any of this was real.

Apparently, the voice wasn’t satisfied with it because it declared, “I’m coming in!” And the door opened.

It really was Todd who was now standing in the doorway as I turned my head to look at him.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m really here,” he said, sounding softer than mere moments before. Maybe this was real. He seemed real enough.

“Todd?” was all I could muster up to ask.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“You’re really here?”

“Yeah.” And the echoing in my head became softer.

“Thank you.”


End file.
